NaijaPositive.com

admin · Site Admin Joined: 25 May 2007 Posts: 5398

Coping With the Loss of A Loved One

(Written When a Co-Forummer was Despondent After Losing a Loved One.)

My condolences on the passing of your loved one. I understand how you feel 'cos I've lost a couple of siblings and my Dad also. A half-sister and then a younger brother when I was younger, then an older brother not so many years back. I was still quite young when I lost my half-sister and she was a sickler so it was easier to handle. My younger brother passed suddenly from a tetanus shot we'd all taken when we were planning to travel to the U.S. for vacation, and I witnessed the whole episode from when he first reacted to the injection until when he passed away in the hospital despite my attempts to give him mouth to mouth resuscitation while waiting for the nurse and doctor to return. I had to be strong for everyone else then, so my grieving came unexpectedly when I was given news that another brother was missing while in college several years later.

My Dad passed some months post surgery but he was older, so it was easier to handle, although I was initially angry that I had the missed the opportunity to speak to him before he passed. The person who answered the tel. had neglected to tell me he was too weak to speak, but he was putting him on the phone nonetheless; and had deprived me of the opportunity to speak to him, while I contemplated my tel. bill as I stayed online for almost an hour, only to eventually hang up on him and later find out he passed away a few hours after.

My older brother passed after a sudden brain aneurysm and that initially hit hard 'cos I felt I could have done something spiritually considering I'd had some weird dreams, I too had suffered an excruciating headache which disappeared mysteriously after I read a bible passage, and I had initially planned to call him back regarding a request that Sunday, but decided to wait until I got it on Monday, only to return from my Dr's appointment and receive a call of his passing. This time around being older and more spiritually mature, I realized that "NO matter how a person dies, it is a passage of life and God has to have permitted it to occur before it can."

Having survived 7 years of severe spiritual attacks (after a grave mistake of attending a weird Naija church) during which period I almost lost my own life several times, had it not been for God's grace and my strength and diligence in prayers, plus the kindness of those who interceded on my behalf; the realization that NOTHING can happen without God's will has been increasingly substantiated.

One thing I know is that none of us has a say in when and how we are going to depart from this world, but we can ask God to extend our time or that of people we intercede for, and if He so wills, He will; but if one's purpose whatever it may be here on earth has been fulfilled, then the act of dying is sure to follow.
At such times, even those who are about to depart depending on their closeness to God usually know and will give us hints that we may or may not be spiritually tuned in to recognize. When this is the case, the grieving period is usually shortened, as we can better accept their death and incidences will occur to give us assurances that all is well.

The consolation is in putting things in perspective. As difficult as it may seem, once we are able to FOCUS on the LIFE rather than the death of the person who has passed, then we can begin to concentrate on the good times they shared with us and the joys they brought.

The pain is usually severe in the beginning, but grief has its own purpose and process. Once we get over the shock and denial, it is healthy that we accept and feel the pain, so it is not repressed only to manifest unexpectedly at a future date. The period of pain and sorrow differs for everyone, but the key is NOT to get paralyzed and stuck in that stage.

This is a time when one can draw strength from one's spiritual reservoir. It's a time to surrender one's pain to God and count on God's promises to see one through. Positive activities; family, friends and even strangers who can help guide you towards positive endeavours are especially useful at this stage (as opposed to those who'll assist you in dwelling on the pain and can help usher you into depression).

Accepting the pain and then CHOOSING to move on despite the pain do not in anyway decrease the loss one has suffered, nor do they translate into one's caring less about the departed, but translate into the fact that life can only be lived when one feels alive, and depression does not in anyway make one feel like they are living. This is the beginning of recovery and can help foster a positive rather than a depressing meaning to the life of the departed one.

I like many share your pain and can understand the extra pain of having to deal with a loss during a holiday period, but you are blessed and should be thankful that the incident didn't occur on your birthday, like that of my Dad, whom one of my brothers and my cousin whom he helped support have to contend with.

Christmas is to celebrate the date chosen for Christ's birth, so do not let your sibling's passing deprive you of the ability to celebrate the blessing of life that Christ came to give and bestowed upon you when He gave His own life for you.

You may begin by reflecting on previous holidays and the people, activities and things that brought you joy and this will help restore the feeling of joy for many more Christmases to come.

May God grant you and your family sufficient comfort and strength to deal with your loss and may He fill your hearts with overflowing love for the purposes for which your brother lived, that you may have sufficient joy to accept the good memories of his life so that you can move on with yours. Amen!

Cxsm
3rd Feb. '04

"The only time you have to live is while you're alive, so live your life well." - Cxsm

Nite Angel · Newbie Joined: 28 Jan 2009 Posts: 22

Hmn... losing a loved one can be very traumatic especially when you are in a land where folks are not in on the culture of helping you through the grieving period. It almost made me decide against serving God; you don't know how it feels until you've experienced it.

I still think about him but now I only smile at the beautiful moments we shared instead of questioning the tragic end. He was so down to earth, an embodiment of what I call a cheerful and disciplined Christian. On the verge of stepping into all he had laboured, fasted and prayed for, he transited via a car crash on a road he had previously travelled consecutively for 7 years during his study writing-off his object of desire - three newly acquired visas - as he stepped into Glory without a farewell message to his loved one. On h behalf I gave a farewell messgae; yes indeed he achieved his aim only it was an eternal travel and repositioning.

But while I was braving up for a no-Christ life the Holy Spirit ministered to me that if God took His own Son then what makes you think your dearest ones will be spared the price. Yorubas will say oku n'sokun oku, ak'aso l'ori n'sokun ara won. It's a debt we owe, we only can pray that we impact the world, leave a smile in someone's heart to keep our candles burning in the wind of life.

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Don't merely exist, live!