NaijaPositive.com

Editor · Site Admin Joined: 09 Mar 2008 Posts: 142

He Has Refused To Eat My Food

Dear Agatha,

There is confusion in my marriage of eight years. I really don't know what to do anymore. The harder I try to resolve an issue the more complex and messy it turns out. In the opinion of my husband, his family and friends, I am nothing but a monster. They all feel I am being unfair to my husband who lost his job two years ago.

God knows I have tried my possible best to be a good woman and wife. Apart from paying a certain amount into his account every month, I take care of all the expenses in the house but all I get are complaints. He claims I am no longer responsive to him; don't care about the children and his welfare. He also complains about my attitude at home. When I get home I am too tired to care about how I dress. I like 'tying' a wrapper round my chest. It makes me free and comfortable even though he has always complained about it. In the early years of our marriage, I honestly tried to please him but in the last two years it has become increasingly difficult to do so.

I come home very tired and in need of comfort to do some house chores. It is irritating and annoying to come home to house chores and I am not expecting or asking too much if he cooks the meals or maintains the home. Life isn't fair. Why should I be expected to care for the house when I have to look for money to sustain the family?

Agatha, the real problem now is, he has told me to stop paying any money into his account and he doesn't eat at home anymore. Since he has refused to provide an answer to my query on why he is not eating or accepting my financial help, I stopped bothering him. But if what has happened in the last three weeks is anything to go by, I suspect he may be having an affair. He has also stopped talking to me although he remains very loving and caring to his children.

In the last three weeks, he leaves home in the morning and comes back in the evening with different gifts for the children. Since he isn't talking to me, asking him where he gets the money to spend is not yielding any result. He doesn't even care how I dress at home. It isn't as if I have stopped loving him but my position is, he should help me around the house more.

Agatha, I know going to his family would earn me a tongue-lash from his mother who thinks I am cruel and unsupportive of her son. My elder brother too isn't very happy with me for reasons best known to him.
Will you help me? I really don't want to lose him because believe it or not, I love my husband deeply. How do I make things right between us?

Charity.
------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Charity,

Judging from all that you have said, you are guilty of negligence, insensitivity and rudeness to the man you swore before everybody to love, respect and obey at all times. That you found yourself in the position of the breadwinner of the house doesn't translate to you taking over the leadership of the home. No matter the position a woman finds herself outside her home, she reverts to the second position once at home.

It is the only way she can have peace and rest of mind from her husband and family. That your own brother is unwilling to mediate in the matter shows you must have been a real terror to your husband. You obviously didn't handle the privilege of fending for your family with the maturity it deserves. That you found yourself in the position of breadwinner doesn't make your husband less of a man or inept in anyway.

God created us in pairs because He knew that we would always need the help of the other to become whole. Without this man in your life, you would become handicapped in a way because your life would never be the same. Just as he too wont be whole without you in his life. Marriage is never smooth; rather it is made whole by the sacrifices a couple makes. There is no way a couple would ever be on equal footing. One will always be in the leadership position at a point in time. The success of a marriage is often not defined by who is bringing in the most money but humility and respect that go with the favour of being the breadwinner.

If God hadn't allowed it, you wouldn't have had the grace of being in that position. You were given the grace to help protect the integrity of your family from ridicule by outsiders and to ensure that the tap of joy doesn't cease to flow in the lives of your children and husband. What do you think would have happened to those children if in the two years your husband lost his job; you didn't have a good job or something to fall back on?

You see, God didn't make a mistake allowing you to have a job for the peace and stability of your home. He didn't give you that position to be the head of the home, to ridicule your husband but to be a supportive helpmate, which is what God created a woman to be.

If you obeyed his wish not to tie a wrapper round your chest when he had a job, why did it suddenly become such a big problem when you became the breadwinner? And why do you think he should assume your duties of cooking and cleaning of the house? Weren't you doing it with joy when he was the breadwinner? What changed in your official duties to demand he assumes your role as the woman in the house? Is it the fact that you are now the breadwinner and now see the role of cooking and caring for your family too mundane for your new status as the boss?

Unfortunately, you insist he should do what you are supposed to do.
A wise woman would never even allow her redundant husband do anything for her because already his ego is at its lowest. How do you think he feels getting money from you? How do you think he is coping psychologically seeing you leave the home every morning for work while he stays at home waiting for you to bring money for food or for the children's upkeep?

It is a man's worst nightmare to have to depend on his wife for everything. Already, the society has stripped him of every pride as a man, husband and father. To have you, who should offer him unconditional protection from the ridicule of the outside world, further humiliate him by asking him to do the household chores, is to nail the final nail on his coffin.

As his wife, this is when he needs you the most to encourage him and help him adjust. Instead, what is he getting from you, further disgrace and total stripping of the little pride he has as a man. Frankly, you have not acted like a good and understanding wife. Unless you move fast, you marriage might really be in danger. If he is having an affair, it is because you pushed him to it. What you refused to offer him, another woman is ready to give with all the love and care he needs the most now.

Men, by nature, like to be pampered. No matter how powerful or influential a man is, he likes to be fused over and given attention by the woman in his life. Even if you didn't give him money, your man would have appreciated you the more if you had shown him care, love and comfort. Money isn't everything and can never buy the important things of life. These are priceless and can never be measured in terms of monetary value. That is why he told you to stop paying money into his account; what use is the money you give him when it lacks respect and love? Of what value is the food he eats when it is being grudgingly given?

Through your attitude, you unwittingly gave him the impression that his lack of job has made him pathetic, unwanted and irrelevant in the house as well as in your life. This may not be your intention but the impression has been created.

To get him back, you must begin from the very beginning. Send text messages of apologies to him. Even if he refuses to respond, continue to do so until his heart melts.

Doubtless, he is hurting. You have to find a way of getting through those emotions to his heart. If need be, use the children to get him to listen. It may sound unfair to involve the kids but you are in a very dangerous warfront where anything and everything is fair to win this battle. Since he still comes home, close from work early to prepare his favourite meal. Send the children to a relative for the weekend. Dress in a very seductive way, one you know he cannot resist you in to welcome him home.

Beg him because you really offended him. With remorse and prayers on your part, he would eventually forgive. Don't bother about any other woman in his life, she is unimportant in your desire to get back your man.
There may also be the need for you to go round family and friends to apologise for the nasty way you treated your husband. You may think they don't matter but they do in a situation like this one.

Good luck.