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Why Immigrants Are Divorcing

Daily Champion
Femi Awodele
[OPINION]
26 June 2007

In 2001, I went into full time ministry speaking mainly in the area of marriage and as I travel in America and Europe, I noticed the alarming rate of divorce among African immigrants. That year I developed a questionnaire that was distributed in London, England and within the United States. I also interviewed many people as I travelled

The few questionnaires returned and my interviews pointed to two main reasons why Africans (not just Nigerians) are divorcing in Western countries. The first is the prevalent culture in Africa and second is the influence of our African traditional religion. When an African man or woman born and raised in Nigeria, Ghana, etc such a person is greatly influenced by the culture and religion and may not be aware of it.

The payment of dowry is a common practice in Africa. While dowry payments dated back to Bible days, its meaning has changed. Dowry is now seen as purchasing the woman, so the woman is seen as a property and not a helpmate.

For many years when women were uneducated, men got away with treating them as property. But with women lawyers, doctors, and other highly placed professionals, things are changing.

Based on the issue of dowry, women are treated differently. We joke that a woman's place is in the kitchen. African men force respect out of their spouses by beating them instead of getting it through good leadership. The leadership role of a man is generally interpreted as that of a boss and servant, instead of the role stated in the Bible, as servant leader which Christ himself demonstrated in John chapter 13 when He washed the feet of His disciples.

While speaking to over 100 pastors and wives in Port-au-Prince Haiti, you could have heard the pin drop when I said men and women are equal before God and men are only the leader among equals.

Earning more than your husband is a new concept that many people don't know how to deal with because for decades African men (and indeed men all over the world) had tied leading the home to financial dominance or more earning capacity.

Africans have always resolved conflicts by going to the elders in the village or among the extended family. While this has served us well and I still recommend it, it's becoming a problem for us to do because these elders for the most part don't deal with the issues brought up e.g. adultery (because they are committing adultery themselves).

They only pacify the wife and husband. Because of our spiritual beliefs, we do not believe in airing our dirty laundry, which means help is not sought for marital problems until it is too late and when help is sought, a lot of emphasis is placed on what the "devil" did instead of taking responsibility for what happened and fixing it. Every marriage will have problem(s) and the faster you seek help the better for your marriage.

My maternal grandpa had 10 wives that I know about and this was typical of men in his days. If they show favoritism to one of the women, that woman is in trouble with the other wives. A man who is able to have sex with 10 different women does not need romance (men give romance to get sex, while women give sex to get romance - Tommy Nelson).

As Africans, we did not see our parents show romance to their spouse(s) and if anyone does that we call them names like "woman wrapper". What gets on my nerves is when African men tell me that being romantic is western culture, then I refer them to the Bible which was written thousands of years ago and it has nothing to do with western culture.

Being romantic with your wife or husband is the way to maintain your marriage. Women were created by God to be an emotional creation, while men are logical or analytical. For centuries, the African culture has forced the woman to work opposite the function of their God given hormone "estrogen" (If an African woman asks her husband for sex - which will happen during her ovulation period - she is called "Ashawo")

Extended family has tremendous influence on an African marriage. A couple once told me that the husband's mother told both of them separately not to reveal what they earn to each other. In my speaking engagements, people have told me how the husbands or wives listen to the family in Nigeria or Togo and not to the spouse they live with here in the United States or in London.

One man actually told his wife that until he finished building a house in Nigeria they will continue to live in an apartment with three kids. When I ask him when he was moving back to Nigeria, he said not for a long time, but he believed building a house for his parents while his kids lived in a bad neighbourhood and went to a bad school district was the best thing.

Many women soon challenge the reasoning behind such thinking by refusing to combine their income (which is needed to foot the bills in western countries - you cannot bribe NEPA men to go away if you don't pay your bills). A lot of women also, choose not to combine their income with the husband's because they think, it is the husband's job to pay bills - they'll rather buy the latest fashion and its accessories from Switzerland or Austria.

While most of the dominance is men related, the women have also bought into the lies of the National Organization of Women (NOW). I would not tell any woman to stay in an abusive relationship. I would suggest you separate (if physical or emotional abuse is involved) while seeking help from professional counsellors or your church or mosque (hopefully your pastor or imam will know when to refer you for professional help).

Divorce is not the better option. The man is still the head of the home (Ephesians 5: 22 - leader among equals) and he should be accorded such respect. Don't usurp his authority because you earn more or throw him out because he is a Taxi driver. You will get more done by gently nudging him to do things and occasionally showing tough love when necessary.

For more details on this subject you can purchase the book "Peculiar Conflicts - African Marriages in Western Cultures by Femi Awodele xulonpress" or contact me to speak to your organization or church (I speak from Biblical viewpoint).

Copyright © 2007 Daily Champion

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May we be strengthened with the ability, willingness and capabilities to be good ambassadors of Nigeria contributing to its uplifting, rather than its detriment. - Cxsm

LadyK · LoyalBee Joined: 06 Jun 2007 Posts: 69

Wow, this is a great article. I think that people divorce nowadays cause they don't have realistic ideas of what marriage is. It's so quick to assume it's Nigerian culture or religion but truth is, this could happen to anyone. A man is supposed to cleave unto his wife..if he cleaves to his family and siblings, there's going to be a HUGE problem!!!! Respect and understand your spouse. Yes women are truly making more money these days and we are not properties!

Nathalie Amadasun · Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 1:23 pm Post subject: yes a very good article

Marriage is about understanding one and other and remembering none of us are perfect!! So when something come's up in our marriage twe should remember to talk about it and not hide it away till it becomes too much to bare.

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I LOVE MY HUSBAND SO MUCH AND PRAY FOR HIM EVERY OPPORTUNITY......