Posted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 10:57 am Post subject: Why do 'Some' Nigerians Abandon Their Family...?
Why do 'Some' Nigerians Abandon Their Family...?
Why do some Nigerians abandon their family members after migrating to the Diaspora?
Regardless of the initial reasons why some Nigerians migrated to the U.S. (school, work, etc.), some have not turned around to visit their folks.
Maybe it began with "Oh, I'll visit after my studies, then after I get my papers, then when I go home to marry, etc.", but somehow the years have multiplied and the visit has become a faded memory.
I'm sure there are reasons various reasons why this happens and some may think sending their folks money every now and then is sufficient, but for the parents who feel abandoned 'the reasons why' may not be forthcoming or transparent.
Parents who have not seen and sometimes not heard from their offsprings in over 10 or even 20 years may begin to wonder if their children are dead, in jail, lost, have migrated elsewhere, stopped loving or caring for them, etc. Some parents have even aged just from anxiety, is it fair to them? What answer would one have for such parents when they inquire about their long lost offsprings?
Granted not everyone can afford to visit as often as they or their family members might like, but is it simply 'a lack of will, that's impeding a way', or are there other valid reasons? Or is it a case of too many excuses lumped together and grown into a reason?
Family abandonment is not part of our culture, are we simply adapting to the prevailing attitudes in our new countries of residence at the expense of our cultural practices or are there other more valid reasons?
Settling abroad is no reason to abandon one's family and aging parents, but it is a reality that's occurring, no matter how infrequent.
I can understand the point about escaping demands from those who don't understand one's disposition, especially non/non-immediate relatives. Sometimes avoiding such may be justified. I can also understanding a few years of absence, but how does one justify abandoning their own parents/spouses and sometimes children for prolonged periods of time?
You'll be surprised to know some people have never been home in over 10+ or even 20+ years, NOR have they arranged for their parents to visit them, in which case they have NOT seen such family members for a very long stretch.
Except their disposition has not changed since their arrival, and considering laws are just beginning to change one can only wonder. Also, some were abroad during amnesty and other such pardons and 'may' have taken advantage if they lacked proper documentation prior to such opportunities, so such people must have other reasons.
Family members on the other sides of the continents can only wonder why also. I'm sure this is not peculiar to Nigerians, even if it is a minor occurrence, but our cultures differ, and for Nigerians its unusual, but growing.
It seems like some people in their quest to get over their negative experiences, forget that when they chose to abandon their country, they are also abandoning the people close to them.
I think this subject matter is worth exploring, and maybe the reasons revealed may lead to solutions for those presently in such predicaments. Any and all feedback would definitely be appreciated.
Don't tell me that work will make someone to forget his parent for 10yrs. Some people lose total contact. An old woman came to me in my village and asked if I saw her two children who left for America 25 years ago. I simply answered no, I didn't.
She then said, "only God knows what I have done to these children." I was silence and didn't know what to tell the poor old woman. My head and mind was full of sympathy and deep thinking. I could only after 5 min make a statement to her, "mama, white man land big, we no see each other, e big welli welli".
Deep down my heart, I felt so much for the woman. It was a bad moment for me. I felt the psychological pain she has. These woman carried these two sons for 9 months in her womb, she delivered them with pains, fed them for months with mother milk and brought them up. Only for them to travel and forget her for good 25years. Maybe they are too buisy, americanised or afraid of being robbed or killed that they totally forget their mum and dad, as some people might claim.
I don't see any reason why a normal human should act like this. Paper, work and money are no reasons for one to forget his people. America is not less dangerous than Nigeria. There are dangers and risk everywhere. We only need to be very careful and leave the rest for God. The people who forget their land and their people, claiming America and [saying they] owe nobody in Africa are inhuman, irresponsible, irrational and men of low self esteem. May their children treat them the same way.
Point of correction, in most cases robbers kill only when you are a threat to their life. You want to shoot them or you identify them. There are killers who are paid only to kill but they don't steal money or property. Robbers come to someone's house only through information. If you don't have criminals around you and you don't show up, the chances of you being a victim is very low. Them say, armed robber no be spirit, na human being.
There are so many rich people in Nigeria who are not always desturbed about robbers. They do their buisness and live their normal life.
I was in Nigeria in feb, I asked a friend who has a contruction company about the rate of robbery, he told me that the situation is exagerated by the press. He might be right. This guy has a two billion naira project going on. He goes to bank every day. He is not afraid. But someone from America or Europe will come home with ten tousand dollars and have sleepless nights thinking that he or she is the night's target. It has to do with the mind. Go to Nigeria, stay cool, know your friends and people around you and pray for God to guide and protect you.
As I said earlier life is full of risk and danger. Anything can happen in US just as in Nigeria. In America you can be a victim of terrorists, gangsters, robbers, serial killers etc.
We must not wait for our corrupt, egoistic rulers to make our country perfect before we go home. Americans made America what it is today. We have to focus our attention on how to make ours good too. Going away and ignoring it, is not rational and not our interest. There are a lot of opportunities at home which we need to descover.Some people want to live as a humiliated foreign man or a 10th class citizens till the end but I don't. I believe that my glory when I die is what I have done for my people and my contribution to the development of my own.
Not everybody can buy ticket for parents in Nigeria or get their visa. So those who cannot have to go home and see their people. I believe that it is not only your parents you have in Nigeria. Don't you have brothers, sisters and relatives? People made America what it is today. If everybody runs away who will make the change that Nigeria needs? Human being make up the government, you can join and be our saviour. I think it does not make sense to stay from year to year in US and only make noise about Nigeria.
Hmmm, mr Andrew? pls get real. so u are calling the states home? I call that disgraceful! look at the Indians, they have the same problem as Nigeria. but they study abroad and go back home. why is india tops in IT. british telecom maintains a large call center in india because the professionals are there. when all u so called Nigerian professionals hide away in the west, do u think OBJ will come and beg u to come back.
Look at Germany after the world war 2, look at Japan, so pls all the excuses u r making is irritating. Wait till you reach your retirement age, when u see you children behaving like foreigners in your life time then u will realise that home is home. If u see any Nigerian from the age of 50yrs living abroad, ask them where they wish to be and learn from their mistake. A word is enough for the wise.
Ola will live as a 10th class citizen until the end. America your home indeed. Even African-Americans don't feel at home in US, talk of you native African who has denied his nationality. You can tell your cock and bull story to those who have not been to US or Europe. As I said earlier anyone can die anywhere, it is God who controls and not human. But we need to be careful.
It sounds ridiculus and irresponsible for someone to denounce his birth place and claim another.If Nigeria is bad, we have to join hands together and make it good. If Americans ran away when US was bad, Ola wouldn't have seen a paradise to live. If at all he is in paradise. Any reasonable person will use the opportunity he has outside to better his place. Men of low integrity and self esteem will be carried away by americanization and europianization. Unfortunately Ola belongs to this category of men.
Last edited by admin on Fri Jul 13, 2007 8:33 am; edited 1 time in total
Thank you for the great reply. If at your age you think like this then I believe with people like u around our fatherland has a great future, it is also a shame for older folks who have found a safe haven in Uncle Sam but have refused to 'water the root' they germinated from.
Most of this guys have nothing worthwhile doing in America and it might be extremely hard for them to to save money to travel or send to folks at home and there are others having heard that the mates they left behind at home have made it big start developing inferiority complex and avoid going home for fear of being labelled as failures, So for them it is safer to remain in America and join the bandwagon of those who call their fatherland names and say the normal excuse everybody talks about that 'thieves and armed robbers abound at home' that seems a 'reasonable' excuse to use.
But for how long are you guys going to deceive yourselves? Remember when the root is watered the tree will flourish!
Unfortunately, this paper of a thing is a taboo in the live of Africans in Europe and America. The colonialist and imperialist came to Africa without visa. In 1884 they had a confrence in Berlin peacefully sharing African land into their respective colonies. Finally after years of slavery and colonialism, which involved a lot of killings with guns, human trading, highest robbery in history, they partially left fatherland with much debate and bloodshed then they introduced passport and visa.
My worry is that we get carried away and confused with this visa or paper issue. Some people spent 10 yrs or more looking for paper. Ten good years of someone's live being in a confused state. I think sometimes in life one need to be realistic and ready to face real. I mean moving as a student or as a buisnessman and having the gods that without the so called green card, man can still perform. Our inability to take this decision when we have to, is the irony of the whorle mess.
Cxsm, I love some of your contributions. All are definitely educative, but I wish you wouldn't bring up an issue like this and then answer all the questions yourself. How do you want me to contribute now? First look, it looks like you have covered all the basics - so where is the thread going?
Okay, jokes aside, you know many Nigerians here are undocumented and so earn very little. And the demands continue to pop in from Lagos. This month alone, I have to pay rent, school fees and just this morning, got word that my sister has been hospitalised and I now have to find money to pay for that too. Meanwhile, I have my own limited resources that I manage. And I am here legally.
Imagine someone without a proper job, someone working using another's identity in these era of the Bush man's war on "terrorists". Definitely, demands from Lagos is a major contributing factor to this happening.Many think they could disappear for a while until they found their feet, then resurface later. That little while just stretches on and on, that's the problem.
It doesn't mater how you invest and set them up in Lagos. Often, they spend both profit and capital, expecting you to perform the miracle again. You know these stories. If it has not happened to you, you have friends.
A friend I haven't heard from in 7 years suddenly emailed me to send him a top of the line notebook system. Another is getting married and wants me to rent a place for him - and we were not even that close. The stories abound. Little wonder people go underground...
Sola,
I actually thought about your opening question as I wrote the thread, but I wanted people to think and offer answers beyond 'seemingly' generic responses, which some may deem as valid reasons but could also pass as excuses
Also, some people need prompting to steer them in appropriate directions and I'll rather clarify my thoughts than have to explain it over and over again.
I can understand your point about escaping demands from those who don't understand one's disposition, especially non/non-immediate relatives. Sometimes avoiding such may be justified. I can also understand a few years of absence, but how does one justify abandoning their own parents/spouses and sometimes children for prolonged periods of time?
You'll be suprised to know some people have never been home in over 10+ or even 20+ years, NOR have they arranged for their parents to visit them, in which case they have NOT seen such family members for a very long stretch.
Except their disposition has not changed since their arrival, and considering laws are just beginning to change one can only wonder. Also, some were abroad during amnesty and other such pardons and 'may' have taken advantage if they lacked proper documentation prior to such opportunities, so such people must have other reasons.
Family members on the other sides of the continents can only wonder why also. I'm sure this is not peculiar to Nigerians, even if it is a minor occurrence, but our cultures differ, and for Nigerians its unusual, but growing.
It seems like some people in their quest to get over their negative experiences, forget that when they chose to abandon their country, they are also abandoning the people close to them.
Cxsm
1/22/04 _________________ May we be strengthened with the ability, willingness and capabilities to be good ambassadors of Nigeria contributing to its uplifting, rather than its detriment. - Cxsm
You have to understand also that in some families, they have certain experiences that the people in the Diaspora want to stay as far away from as possible. I mean in some polygamous homes for instance, maybe the Diasporan's section of the family suffered terribly. This can be responsible for some people totally disconnecting.
Prior to my relocation Stateside, it would have been very difficult for me to understand the relative complexities of living here. The basics of life are quite easy to attain. There are many things that constantly compete for your attention. Nigeria, Africa and the rest of the world fall out of sight.
Most people in Nigeria would never understand this.
Poor communication infrastructure in Nigeria doesn't help matters either.
I usually got Xmas cards from my family in April, sometimes as late as June. In the past year, it has actually improved. Most letters I mailed never reached the recepients. Throughout most of the last decade, only a handful of the phone numbers I had worked sporadically. Thank God for the internet and the fact that a couple of family members now have access.
I spent almost 10 years here before my first visit, Why? School mainly, (Big struggle). Money. Work, difficulty in finding stable work and establishing career. Difficult to think of travel if you are a temp or contract worker- you are thinking of next and better opportunities. But I wasn't entirely incommunicado.
Visiting parents/family members isn't always feasible or convenient. What if you work 2 jobs, long hours or at night? This may apply to the spouse also. Sometimes there is even no space in the house to accomodate house guests.
I always advise against attempting to be the all in all problem solver. U.S. dollars sent to Nigeria are in general a bad investment, simply because of the constant depreciation. Money sent to establish a business for a neophyte, is usually money down the drain. Over the years, I've learnt to limited my outflows to emergencies. Resist the pressures.
As I may have mentioned earlier in another thread, I'm not likely to visit Lagos on an annual basis in the future. Probably every 2-3 years at best.
I'm legal and I haven't abandoned my family.
Now as to those who seemingly abandon their spouses and children, I've been privy to a few cases. In general, the reasons come down to this: Na condition.
Well, guys you've mentioned a lot of it, but I think the papers issue is also important, particularly for people in the US.
I know a cousin who begged that her father's funeral be postponed for a year so she could then be eligible to leave the US and return without wahala...........
Another cousin, a few months after his wedding in Nigeria came to the US for Atlanta 94 and stayed back illegally. Ten years on, his now aging bride is still waiting for him in Nigeria, her life is wrecked. I recently heard that our Town Union in the US plans to contribute money for him to go back and set up a business, don't know if that will work
And of course the pressures, even when you save enough money for a ticket, you have to think of all the extra unbudgeted expenses, and often decide not to go.
Well i think some also fear expectations from the homefolks as reason for remaining incommunicado. from my experience, my immediate family does not make as much demands as distant relatives and friends. all my parents want is a regular phone call to know i'm alive.
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