Saving Our Children

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Saving Our Children

Rudolf

Contrary to what many Nigerians at home think, living abroad has numerous downsides. Many who moved abroad find out after a while that they do not belong to either the society they left at home or the new one they inhabit abroad. Aside from all the problems associated with surviving in a foreign land, those abroad miss a valuable opportunity to grow up with their extended family and friends made at early stage of life.

Often, some simple pleasures of life, usually underestimated, come together later in the course of our adventure abroad to make life awful, if not miserable. I have heard an elderly Nigerian complain that his greatest loss was his inability to marry his high school sweetheart as a result of his decision to emigrate. By all accounts, the most frightening downside of living abroad is the possibility of losing our children to the new society.

The Nigerian child born abroad is at best a hyphenated Nigerian. More often that not, these kids are not Nigerians in both nature and nurture. The forces of the society where they were born usually frustrate every attempt by parents to raise then up as Nigerians. As these children grow, parents are at a loss as to how to imbibe in them the things the parents had while at the same time give them the things the parents did not have. It is the greatest dilemma of life abroad.

What has been proven beyond reasonable doubt is that, no matter how much parents tried, Nigerian children born abroad who had no chance of forming a strong attachment to Nigeria are most likely to see their host country as their home.
This leaves most parents in an unpleasant position where they face the possibility of spending their retirement years alone in Nigeria or in a nursing home abroad. It is one prospect no Nigerian parent wants.

Many parents are currently trying various approaches to the problem with little success. There seem to be a general consensus that the only way to make the children born abroad develop an attachment to their parents' home country is to have them live for a while at home or visit often. When to visit home and how long to visit is still not clear. When to send the children home and for how long hasn't been ironed out.

The logistics of sending a child home are enormous. There are questions about who will take care of the child at home. There is the anxiety over insecurity at home and lack of basic healthcare facilities. But more importantly, there are questions about the very nature of the knowledge today's Nigeria will be able to impart on these kids. No doubt, the Nigeria of today is a far cry from two decades ago. How much of what rubs off today's Nigerian youths do parents want their kids to pick up? Are the admired values acquired by these parents few decades ago still obtainable in Nigeria?

Currently, a good number of parents send their children to Nigeria for high school education. The reasoning behind this is that it is manageable at that age. Most parents cannot emotionally afford to send a toddler home even when they have reliable relations. And by the time a kid has finished high school abroad, it is much more difficult to get their cooperation. Also with persistent strikes and closures, college education in Nigeria has become unappealing.

There are other formulas being tried out. In some cases, one of the parents opts to go home and raise the kids at home. This could only work in few cases where the financial and marital health of the couple is strong. There are cases where regular visits to Nigeria for holiday is the approach being adopted. But again, very few people can afford such. Some parents in big cities try to create a home away from home. They establish networks in which Nigerian children relate with one another and in some cases attend language classes and seek means to encourage marriages.

Despite all these efforts, the success rate of children born abroad identifying with the home country of their parents is low. They seem to be overpowered by the pressure of the mainstream culture of their host country. The most likely direction of these children is the adaptation of the lifestyle of their peers in an effort to belong. This often ranges from minor irritations like tongue piercing to major concerns like interracial marriages. What often follows are decisions that greatly reduce the chances of the child ever returning to Nigeria. Which means that most Nigerian parents abroad would either retire in a nursery home abroad or alone at home. That is one unpalatable possibility that stares many Nigerian parents in the face.

A look beyond the first generation born abroad presents a bleaker picture. For even in those rare cases where the parents succeeded, there is even slimmer chance that the second generation of Nigerians born abroad would succeed in stopping their children from completely assimilating into the new society.

What this means, then, is that Nigerian parents abroad are basically fighting a losing battle. One hundred years from now, their lineage at home would be forgotten entirely. Their epitaph would read like those sold into slavery 400 years ago. The big houses some are currently building in cities and villages across Nigeria would be taken over by relatives left at home. Many who are already seeing this possibility and cannot live with it are beginning to regret the very day they went to the foreign embassy to seek visa. Some, though very few, have returned home to face whatever challenge they encounter at home.

In a recent discussion of this issue with my friend, Ekene, he came up with a classic macho plan to resolve the problem. His plan is to marry one wife in America and another in Nigeria. When he is ready to go home and retire, he would have a family at home to spend his twilight years with. Next week, I will visit Ekene and essentially discuss his plan with his girlfriend, Ihuoma. I can't wait to see what she thinks of Ekene's plan.

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For those who have not thought about it, this really is an issue that should be taken into consideration for every adult planning to emigrate to, or remain permanently in the Diaspora.

Forummers, any and all feedback is definitely welcome.

admin

admin

Does any one ever consider the effect of the names people give their kids in this whole equation?

I see many Africans having European and Arabic names under the guise of being Christian and Islamic adherents. I always point out that Oluwafunmi and Chibuzo are equally Christian and Moslem names.
Personally, I have no problems with foreign names, but I believe a name imbues a certain conciousness on the bearer. To each his own, but do not name your child Rudolph, Railat or Joan, then expect them to conciously identify with their Nigerian ancestry. And then whine when they don't.

True, it is a losing battle, but a little extra effort early on can help mitigate its effects. Also, I don't believe Nigerian culture is being lost, I think it is probably being modified. Don't forget, cultures are dynamic.

N/5n
4/1/04

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I think adults need to give children reasons to want to identify with Nigeria and Nigerians. A system whereby honesty is considered foolishness and groundbreakers are tossed aside while 419-ers and their ilk receive praise from high and low is not worthy of emulation. Give your children heroes and they will remain rooted, wherever they are born and resident.

Sola
4/1/04

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Sola, I think that is a really great point...A lot of parents get lost in the rat race, and dont have enough time to hand down the more poignant aspects of their heritage to their children.

On the other hand, I have come across really great examples that give me inspiration. One of the families that our family has known for a really long time moved to the US when the children were still under eight. The kids dont speak Yoruba any more, but as soon as they all graduated from college, they each spent six months to a year in Naija just to get reacquainted.

For another family, as soon as the eldest child graduated from college, she went to spend 3 months in Naija, found a way to hook up with an old professor in UI, and got a Fulbright scholarship to conduct sociology/public health research in the country for 2 years.

Yet another family I know of lives in the heart of the mid-west. Yet all their kids speak fluent Yoruba...Their Yoruba rivals that of some of my firends who haev Yoruba speaking parents and grew up in Ibadan/Ife/Lagos.

What did all these families have in common? Very simple: a conscious effort to make sure that their children were handed down positive cultural values and norms. You know, the type that msot Naija cultures are rooted on. Honesty, integrity, dedication, love of family, love of community, charity, compassion, etc.

You know, we talk a lot about children who are raised here and have no rooting at home. There is a scarier precedent that is being set right at home: children who grow up in Aba or lagos or Prot Harcourt or Maiduguri, and dont speak a word of any thing other than English. Children who grow up in Naija until they are full grown, and them precede to drop eevry ounce fo everything that ties them with home. If we are losing our identity right from home, I think there is much more cultural damage going on than we know...

TruTalk
4/1/04

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La belleza,

I believe from observation that the interaction of various cultures
modifies one or both parties.

For example street or rap lingo has found its way into corporate America even though the actual percentage of African-Americans present is well below the representation in greater society. This is not a loss, it is a modification.
In Southwestern Nigeria, royalty does not hold political power anymore, but they still exist. The Obaship has not been destroyed, it has been modified. The Oba is no longer just the custodian of the traditional religion but also of the Christianity and Islam.

In the same Southwest, I observed that very few kids greet their parents or visitors by fully prostrating or kneeling anymore. Over time it went from a full prostration to half, than a quarter. It has been modified to a slight bow or dip. If they did not greet their elders at all, that would be a loss of the culture. (respect)

Among the older generation, their elders had the same complaints of them. I recall great uncles and aunts complaining about the loss of tradition and culture by the now older generation. (my parents) This points to the fact that culture is dynamic.

n/5n
4/2/04

admin

We must prevent our heritage from being lost

Look here, this is a very important issue to discuss especially for Nigerian parents. We have to prevent our heritage from being lost. As Rudolf said in the next hundred years, Nigerian living in the U.S. today, have a high possibilities of loosing our great heritage. Think about this, it is very important.

Jibola
4/3/04

admin

Every now and then, I have encountered people of different cultures here in the Diaspora. Too, I have engaged them in relative discourse and found out their children were more connected and realized, in that aspect, their origin and where they came from. They speak the language of their parents fluently and wholly abide by the traditional principles of their fathers.

But in the case of our own kids who were born and raised here, in the Diaspora, it is all a different story. First, most do not even know the name of the country where their parents came from. Secondly, they do not speak our language, rather they are so "akatanized" they will curse you out if you try to think about it. When you encounter these kids, amazingly, they tell you point blank they are Americans. "You've got a dollar, man?" they would ask you. "You saw that game last night, man?" they would ask you, too. They would tell you who would be likely picked in the NBA and NFL Drafts. They know their names by heart.

The irony here is, why these lost kids are asking questions trivial, their parents watch and applaud on the ground that they have kids who belong, the "Yankee way." Nobody teaches these kids about our literature. Nobody tells them where they came from. Nobody cares.

You don't see that in other communities. Take for instance a five year old of the Diasporan Jew, wears a skull cap to the Synagogue every Friday and would remind you as a five year old that "To forget is to proclaim Hitler innocent." So too, is the awareness that since time their people had been persecuted. They learn that from the synagogues. And they have their own day care centers where the Jewish faith and culture is taught.

My question here is, what are we doing about our own kids who do not know their culture, where they came from, the origin of their history and the sad phenomenon that happened to their people as in the Jews? What are their parents telling them? Do their parents care? If not, what should be done?

Let's come to terms with reality and address this issue appropriately.

Ambrose
4/20/04

admin

Charity begins at home they say. Speak to your children in your dialect and you will be surprised how fast they can learn it. They might not be able to speak it very well because of their intonations, but they will understand every word you say to them. I have heard some parents saying the children will get confused, to such parent, I always say you are the confused one, not the children.

Most of us want our children to speak in the fake oyibo accent without realizing the harm we are causing those children. 80% of Hispanics kids born in the US can speak Spanish, and in essence, relate to their culture and background. How many of our kids can relate to our culture?

Start teaching your children now and you will be happier for it later.

Bababoyz
4/20/04

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I think there is an inherent inferiority complex in many folks I come accross here. Many tend to believe that speaking their native tongue to their kids will result in their having an accent, and limit their ability to pass off as true Americans. Yet these same parents wonder what went wrong when these kids fall short of their expectations and settle for very little ambition.
You find perfectly educated people pleading with their kids to finish high school mainly because they failed to enforce values at an earlier stage.

chiboy
4/20/04

admin

My own take is the parents of these kids should be wholly blamed for having their children neglect their cultural heritage.

Yara
4/20/04

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A lot of our children understand the language but cannot speak, or are ashamed to speak.

I observed a Chinese mother and her 8 year old son in the super market. He apparently wanted some candy and kept asking the mother for the candy in english. She just ignored him. After some time, he asked for the candy in chinese and she finally recognized his presence and bought him the candy.

If we use a lot of our associations to establish educational as well as other programs for our children, this will be an avenue for them to learn the language and the culture.

Nsikan
4/20/04

admin

The responsibility is that of the immediate family not assoiciations. True associations can help, but if you make no effort in teaching your children their mother tongue or culture then even the association cannot save you.

chiboy
4/20/04

admin

I was very happy when I saw this discussion. This has been something that has been giving me grief since I saw what is happening to the young ones in Diaspora. First of all I must say that I don't have children yet. I am not even married yet. But that will not prevent me from adding my 2 cents.

I have seen countless examples from other ethnic groups like the chinese, Indians, Eastern Europeans. Looking at these groups, the excuse of 2 busy working parents can be eliminated because everybody from this group should have the same problem if that was the case.

Our biggest problem which has been pointed out above is Inferiority Complex!! Some people might not agree with this but I strongly believe this. The moment we believe and take pride in our culture and heritage, even the children will pursue the knowledge themselves eargerly.

If any of you have had the opportunity to attend a Chinese party, when you get there, not a single word English is spoken. All the children included. When the same children open their mouth to speak English, if you were not looking at them, you will think that they were Caucasians.

You have all been to BiafraNigeria parties. The opposite is the case. You will hear pockets of groups speaking in the native vanacular and when you listen amongst the kids, you will only hear them speaking in English. Anytime I see this, I get ashamed. The Damage that the "white man" did to us is indeed great.

I have had the opportunity of doing some studies in the Carribbean. When I got there, people were excited to hear me speak english with an African accent! They will come to me and make me speak in African, the fascination you see on their faces is thrilling!! Even though they did not understand me.

Living with the Carribeans showed me firsthand what happens to a people with their culture and language stripped from them. We have it, and we are stripping it away from our children.

As an Igbo, the greatest good you can do to your child in Diaspora is to instill the language and culture which gave us the knowhow, the confidence to survive in the harsh world outside our enclave.

It is time for us to have something to be proud of.

Osetutu
4/20/04

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Let us teach our children our culture

This is an issue we Africans, especially Nigerians should take seriously. We got to teach our children our own language, we our self must be proud of the culture. I agree with you Cxsm, parents from other cultures teach thier children thier language.

A good example are the Espanic, in the United States, the first language most of thier children speak is Spanish, they speak Spanish at home and they speak English at school. So also goes for the American-born Indians and so on. Can't we look at these examples of these people who promote thier culture? Do you know what? many of American-born Nigerian children are even more interested in speaking Spanish after knowing how to speak English, instead of thinking of how to learn how to speak and understand their Nigerian languages.

Most Nigerian parents give their children the impression that their culture is inferior, instead of promoting thier culture. Don't these Nigerian parents know that their children are part of the future of Nigeria? My advise to all Nigerian parents in the Diaspora is to try all their best to give a positive impression to their children, in terms of thier culture. They must make sure they expose the sufferings Nigerians at home are going through, so that they can be of help in the nearest future.

Jibola
4/21/04

admin

Of cultural heritage!

The issue of cultural heritage can be viewed from both sides of the coin. This is to say that it has both negative and positive conotations, in my opinion it is negatively lopsided. Why does anyone think that Nigeria is still a very divided country today? Because of acute diversity of cultures and idiosincratic notions that could not be enmeshed into a harmonious whole!

Ok, let's proceed. No nation on earth has equalled the feat attained by our beloved new nation, the USA. But the early founding mothers and fathers when they 'crossed the rubicon,' burned their boats and established shinning legacy for all of humanity to emulate. What am I talking about? They made away with most of their traditonal values which they came with from Europe, invented new ways of speaking the English language, developed unique cultural norms that is adaptable to the environment. Although they still retained some aspects of their cultural heritage, but bye and large they were not afraid to question the old ways of doing things from Europe. This has evolved into the democratic form of government that whole world yerns for! Although it should not be forced down anyone's troat!

As we all can see today, Nigeria is a nation that should be as technologically advanced as South Korea. But one fundamental factor is holding us down. The issue of cheiftancy titles etc. As some of my friends have mentioned in their write ups. 'A 419'er or other individuals with nefarous activities would be crowned a chief, at the expense of well meaning and hard working Nigerians.' Why not, the chief is not supposed to lift a pin he or she just sits there and everyone works and pays them homage. That is leadership by example. Is'nt there a saying like 'too many captains rock the boat'? Well we have too many chiefs in Nigeria and everyone aspires to be one!

Nigeria is a very lucky and blessed nation but we need the kind of leadership that would enhance positve attributes in her citizenry. The present democratic adminstration is doing fine, but more needs to be done to bring Nigerians together. More emphasis should be placed in establishing educational institutions, professional and academical ones, especially technical institutions. Emphasis should also be placed on learning the English language, which is the foremost element in unifying Nigerians! Also broken or pigeon English should alse be given attention and integrated nationally because it is our best language for relaxation and humor, just as Ebonics. We continue to let the fear of the unknown rob us of our greatmess!

cheers!
Arty
5/9/04