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It's Hard Work Being a MistressIt's Hard Work Being a Mistress
Sun Times
Funke Egbemode
I don't know why wives bellyache about their husbands taking off with their mistresses. If they know how much work those girls do to keep other people's properties, the wives would keep quiet. Yes, it's tough being a wife but by Jove it's tougher being a mistress. Keeping what's not yours requires a lot of gut and staying power.
It's also not a business for coward s. It's not a venture for those who don't want to sweat. It's tension soaked, energy- sapping, emotional and spiritual-intensive business. And the big players know the stakes. That's why when they reap the fruits of their labour, we all can't help but gape. So when next you open a soft - sell magazine and see some beautiful 35-year-old opening up about her life and business in the oil sector, don't think she got there by generally doing what you do. There's a lot of hard work involved in being a successful enviable mistress of the right guy. Emphasis on the right guy. You think you go to church? Mistresses go to churches. They move from one miracle - distributing church to the other. They sleep on mountains for days. They fast more and longer than wives. For them, being a mistress is a major investment that mus t be guarded jealously, watered intensely and watched over with every drop of blood.
Wives have tendencies to relax and take their investments for granted. Not mistresses. The goose that lays the golden eggs must be put in a golden cage. I remember vividly my experience in the waiting room of a Moroccan massage parlour last year. I was waiting for my turn when some of the attendants of the establishment brought out all kinds of 'gadgets' to keep a man's attention. Oh boy, it was one long sex education, the kind you can find only when big girls are teaching one another survival tricks.
There was this ointment (or was it a cream?) that was offered me for N5,000. It's job? It'll keep the man asking for more. Just rub it down below and the man will go to heaven and return as man y times as he wants. It was a small jar. The big jar was N10,000. While I was trying to make up my mind if I wanted to try the cream or even if I had the energy to send someone to heaven more than once, the girls brought out this gigantic bottle. You need your two hands to carry it and the liquid content cost N25,000. The bottle, according to the girls, had been buried in the ground for one whole year, yes 12 months. For efficacy. It's strictly for feminine use. It smells great and it is supposed to do greater things for your man in your bed. I bet you are dying to know which one I bought. I'm not telling. The lesson is mistresses invest in their paraphernalia of office and I saw a few things that day. Stuffs were bought for good money too.
Just think about it.
I'm sure you have heard or read stories of undergraduates and 25-year-olds ending up in the kind of wealth you and I only dream of. I'm sure you have also wondered where those girls got their 'heads' from and why yours is not fetching you money or even love. But what are you doing about it? You think you can just wish for a shop in Ikoyi, a duplex in Victoria Island and summer holiday in Barbados and they all fall in your pretty laps? Not on your dreaming life. You work for it, girl. That's why those smart ones outside can hold their sugar daddies. That's also who some wives are having more fun than the others. Have you had white fast this year and for how many days?
You are eating like food's going out of fashion while your husband's girlfriend is fasting her waist away. She's losing waist' and you are gaining it. She's locked up somewhere in one white-garment church doing cross-road prayers and you are nagging about 'aso-e bi'? Jazz don catch you, baby. You don't even know baby
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