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 Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 2:06 am Post subject: Re: Would you date/marry someone still entangled with his ex |
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Re: Would you date/marry someone still entangled with his ex?
| Anonymous wrote: | | A situation in which someone you are dating or intend to marry seems emotionally entangled with his ex-partner is a no-no for some people. However, when there are kids involved and your partner says he spends time at his ex's in order to see his children, could that be excused? |
Matters of the heart are not issues to toy with or treat frivolously. The most important factor is whether you know this man's character and how well you BELIEVE you KNOW and can TRUST him.
While there are indeed men who will play as woman like a fiddle, simply getting their kicks while still in on-going relationships or even marriages whilst claiming they are seperated, divorced or in any other arrangement they believe you will comfortable accept; there are probably indeed some men who are genuinely estranged from the mother of their children, but maintain an amicable or strained relationships for the benefit of mutually raising or having constant access to their children.
To give you the assurance that this person is indeed divorced, since you mentioned that he was seeing his EX, are you indeed sure that he is divorced? If not depending on where you reside, unless he has indeed shown you his divorce certificate, or you have every other assurance, please confirm from the hall of records as to his true status. You don't want to get entangled with someone only to find out that he is still married, while he has successfully led you on, after you have already invested your heart, emotions and time in him, or worse more gotten pregnant for him.
...And please don't rely solely on his family or relatives for confirmation of such info. They might be hip to his taking a second spouse or mistress on his behalf, especially if he is one of those men without a male heir that is looking for a candidate to impregnate.
If you are in or contemplating a serious relationship with a man who is indeed divorced, yet shares his children with his EX, he should NOT have an emotional entanglement with her. The only relationship they have should be a cordial one, where the best interest of their children takes precedence.
There are men who have been divorced, and not just seperated, who have fathered subsequent children with their so-called EXes while sharing custody, during visitations or whilst baby-sitting their children. WHY? Because they were still EMOTIONALLY ENTANGLED with their EXES. Some are in love-hate relationships with their exes and their children are simply a means to their resuscitating their whirlwind or emotional coaster love relationships. So be very informed and aware.
Also, is their arrangement one where he sees the children only on holidays, and/or weekends; or as often as he pleases? Have he and his Ex been seperated/divorced long enough for each to accept that the other has indeed moved on with his/her life and is dating other people? Is his Ex aware that you exist, or does he try to hide your existence even if you have and may never meet?
You may also want to consider while he and the mother of his children are Exes anyway. Was there any infidelity, and if so, did it emanate from him? You do not want to get entangled with a man whose prognosis for marriage is poor or whose indulgence in affairs is high. You may just end up being another statistic. The worst scenario is he begins having an affair with his Ex while in an on-going relationship with you. You don't want to guess who will eventually get dumped, and it will be excused as being for the sake of the children.
It is not taboo to date a previously-married man with children, just don't entangle yourself in one who is INDEED EMOTIONALLY-ENTANGLED with his EX or to put it subtely, the mother of his children, unless you are a magnet for pain or are willing to endure whatever it takes when the goose comes home to roost.
The decision boils down to you, and questions you should ask yourself are
a] Do you feel comfortable with their present arrangement?
b] Do your instincts trust this man?
c] Can you tolerate or endure their present arrangement on the long run? If so, can you do so, without distrusting him, getting envious or trying to sabotage the relationship he has with his Ex or his children?
No relationship is guaranteed to be smooth, but the least you can do is CHOOSE what type you want to get involved in, know your boundaries as to what you WILL and will not accept, and how much hurt you feel strong enough to handle should the roses smell not so nice.
Be honest with yourself, endeavour to engage this man in a frank and honest relationship and then make your decison with a combination of all these.
Also, has he given you reason to doubt his relationship with his Ex to date, or are you simply concerned because of stories you may have heard? While it is sometimes good to follow one's heart, at least choose the parameters within which you can comfortable GIVE your heart.
Best wishes and please give us an update as you deem fit, as others may equally learn from your experience(s).
Cxsm
6/24/08
© Cxsm 2008 All Rights Reserved
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May we be strengthened with the ability, willingness and capabilities to be good ambassadors of Nigeria contributing to its uplifting, rather than its detriment. - Cxsm |
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