NaijaPositive.com

admin · Site Admin Joined: 25 May 2007 Posts: 5442

Why Doesn't She Leave Him?

Chichi Layor
12th Aug. '08

Do you know someone who is experiencing domestic violence and is still in a relationship with her abuser? Have you wondered why she doesn't leave him? I have.

Ever wondered why a woman in an abusive relationship continues to have children with her abuser? Sexual violence is a common feature of abusive relationships. Yes, rape is perpetrated within marriage even if the laws of some countries don't reflect this reality.

And guys, before you ask, I know that some abusers are female. Mostly, however, it's women who are the victims of domestic violence, both physical and psychological. The statistics show that one in four women will be abused by an intimate partner at least once in her lifetime. It gets worse. In Britain, two women are killed by their partners every week. I don't know what the figures are for Nigeria - does anyone know?

Why do so many women stay in abusive relationships?

Maybe they love their partner and hope he'll change. Some abusive men alternate between cruelty and "loving" acts. Frankly, this type of behaviour would mess with my mind, but for some women, it's enough to keep them hanging on.

Some women stay in abusive relationships for financial reasons. They fear they will be unable to provide for themselves and their children if they strike out on their own. Some women try to end a relationship but decide to go back, for various reasons. It seems that on average a woman will leave an abusive partner several times before she feels able to make the final break. That's what studies show, anyway.

And there's another reason why some women stay. I only learned this recently. Apparently, many women risk being killed when they leave abusive partners. Sadly, some abusers haven't been able to deal with rejection and they've murdered their partners before they could leave or afterwards.

Some women stay because they are pressured by family members who believe that a marriage, once contracted, should never be broken in any circumstances. You probably know some marriage diehards like this. I know one. We had an interesting discussion recently and he offered his perspective on wife beating: "Nothing lasts forever. So if your husband beats you, just wait it out. Don't even try to defend yourself."

And he went on to tell me about an uncle of his who used to beat his wife. Apparently, he stopped beating her at some point, and today, this guy's uncle is so meek and mild that his wife (yes, the same one who used to suffer his blows patiently) and children now boss him around. Huh? It pays to lie low and wait for the abuse to run its course? That's not for me. Reminds me of a proverb my grandmother used to cite: a bedbug advised its children to be patient because heat eventually turns to cold (presumably, someone had poured hot water over the bedbug, hoping to exterminate it). But battered women are not bedbugs. A wait-it-out approach to domestic violence is another reason why some women stay.

They think the violence will end at some point. Well, maybe it does. But at what cost to the abused woman and the children who witness the abuse? Speaking of traumatized children, back in Nigeria many years ago, young cousins of mine were shocked and terrified to see a male acquaintance of their parents' pummel his wife repeatedly, right before their eyes, in their own home. Their parents were out and my cousins were home alone. This shameless man had been chasing his long-suffering wife down a couple of busy streets when she ran into my aunt's home, seeking refuge.

But none of the adults who witnessed this wild street chase intervened. By the way, the last I heard, the couple were still married. The woman may have waited it out. Personally, I think life's too short to take this approach.

A good friend of mine stayed with her abusive husband for many years. She did try to leave him when she went to the Social Welfare office in a Nigerian capital city for help. The female officer she saw castigated her for wanting to leave a marriage without considering the effect it would have on her children. She ordered my friend to go back to her husband. The social worker was wrong - my friend had thought long and hard about her children. But faced with the welfare officer's harsh words, my friend broke down in tears. And went back to an abusive man.

As it turned out, that decision nearly cost her her life. One day, after her children had gone to school and all the neighbours had left for work, her husband started beating her with a metal rod. All the time, he was chanting over and over, like one in a trance: "a widower is entitled to remarry". He wanted to kill his wife so that he could remarry respectably, without the stigma of divorce. She later found out he'd been cheating on her and had fathered two children with his girlfriend.

Thankfully, my friend was saved by a couple of brawny teenagers who lived next door. They hadn't gone to school for some reason and they'd heard her heart-rending cries. They pulled her rabid husband off her. My friend left her home the same day and moved in with her parents, taking the children with her. Fortunately, her parents didn't take the "wait-it-out" view to an abusive marriage. My friend got divorced and she's doing her best to raise her children without any kind of involvement (financial or otherwise) from her ex-husband. He's one of those deadbeat dads I wrote about in a previous article.

Moral: staying in an abusive relationship may turn out to be life-threatening.

_________________
May we be strengthened with the ability, willingness and capabilities to be good ambassadors of Nigeria contributing to its uplifting, rather than its detriment. - Cxsm