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 Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 10:10 pm Post subject: Relationship Questions |
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Relationship Questions
Ever wonder why there are so many broken and unsuccessful relationships? This is not to say there are no success stories, but in this day and age of quick and great expectations with no solid or loyal investments efforts, the trend seems to be negative. More people seem to be heading for divorce courts than to the altar and some simply have no desire to marry, because they are disillusioned about failing marriages or avoiding broken hearts. Others simply opt for affairs that may or may not destroy their existing relationships.
It doesn't have to be this way though IF we are willing and honest enough to ask ourselves important relationship questions that may help shape our lives and dispositions, before we embark on any relationship.
Everyone that embarks on a relationship or marriage expects rosy outcomes, but most people's hopes are quickly dashed by the time they realize relationships and especially marriages are not so easy.
Everyone wants a blissful union, but are we willing to be blissfully patient, accommodating, sincere, tolerant, faithful, humble and blessing rather than being overly critical, impatient, untrusting, unfaithful, unsupportive and even sometimes cussing or cursing the same people we claim we love.
Most want results without investments, but how can that be when we often lack the trust and patience it takes to tolerate, let alone endure the work it takes for relationships to work.
There are those who want love and sex a la carte, and thus engage in multiple relationships without consideration for or concern about the risks of sexually transmitted diseases, emotional turmoils or drastic repercussions on the mates they profess (either truthfully or deceitfully) to love. People who claim to be committed, yet are lying and cheating on their mates and spouses. No wonder the trust factor is usually the first to erode in relationships and marriages.
There are some people that can never be satisfied with a good man or woman, they always have to have extras and thus form multiple unions simultaneously, either by ways of affairs, or multiple marriages; then they wonder why their problems are compounded and they know no real peace. To escape they keep multiplying their relationships and usually their sorrows, only ending up as carefree, irresponsible or frustrated baby-daddies or baby-mamas.
Some people have no sexual etiquette or restraint and simply jump from bed to bed, lying to every mate that cares to listen. Some instead opt to partake in extra desserts by partaking in homosexual relationships unbeknown to their unsuspecting mates.
Then there are those who spend more time with their friends and buddies than they do with their mates and then wonder why their relationships do not work.
There are the young ones who believe the only way to a man's heart is by having sex which they might not be mature enough to handle, only to be let down, dumped, left with STDs or unplanned pregnancies and years of frustrations.
There are equally men who promise heaven simply to have sex with unsuspecting women, leaving multiple hearts and homes broken. Worse are married men and women who carry on extra-marital affairs, sometimes with other married people as false assurance that the people they are cheating on will not rattle their sham marriages or be too demanding of their time.
Then there are some single women who date only married men mostly for material comfort and then try to justify their actions by saying it's because single men did or do not treat them well. Equally guilty are young men who gigolo their ways into older single or married women's hearts or wallets simply for financial gain.
We also have those with unruly or unrestrained tempers that use their mates as punching bags for their pent up frustrations or simply due to their insecurities. No one wants to be in a union with someone that beats them up or threatens to hurt or kill them or their children or family, simply because they want to be in a relationship. Unfortunately, there are some women and men so battered and traumatized that the fear in them prevents them from leaving such physical and emotionally abusive relationships.
Then there are those who say they opt to stay because of their children of because of financial restraints, but fail to realize that no amount of money is worth being abused over, and most times the children are worse off staying in households where peace never reigns and one of both of their parents are disrespected, abused, miserable and depressed every day.
We all wonder what is this world becoming, but most times we forget to ask ourselves, what are our own contributions towards the decay of otherwise good relationships and marriages? What legacies are we leaving for our children when we ourselves are experts at cheating on and abusing our mates and/or spouses?
When we lie and fail to be responsible parents, when we condone immorality for the sake of being politically correct, when our schools or the streets rather than our homes is where our children learn their sexual expressions and pick up undesirable sexual practices, when our children engage in sex too early and we call it sexual freedom; how then are we not contributing towards the decay of relationships and marriages?
When we ourselves jump into relationships and beds before we even know the names, let alone the character of our mates, meandering from one failed relationship to another, how can we expect to have meaningful or successful relationships with strangers in our beds, let alone advice our friends or offspring on relationship issues?
Then there are those that envy other people's relationships and would do all they possible can to destroy such unions, sometimes easily because an unsuspecting spouse is busy sharing all the juicy details of his or her mate and successful relationship or marriage with unsuspecting traitors masquerading as friends or neighbours. Then you wonder he or she ends up in affairs and then claim "he or she stole my boyfriend, girlfriend, wife or husband."
Of course there are those who also would do anything to steal friends', total strangers' or even family members' mates, even going as far as using diabolical means, enchantments, spells, hexes, etc., just to have the grass on the other side that looks greener or simply to become a MRS. ot their Mr. Usually the victims caught in such entanglements end up despising or even hating their mates or spouses because they can no long see reason once they are being remotely controlled by the diabolic man or woman snatchers who don't care how far they might need to callously go to steal and destroy another person's relationship.
Where we need to begin is at the inception of our relationships. We need to evaluate what are true and factual reasons for embarking on any relationship are. Are we in it for love, money, status, looks (that may fade), green-cards, to escape poverty, broken homes, controlling parents, hot sex (that will wane) or simply to become MR. or MRs. something? Are we willing to truly know the person we have decided to share a piece of, or our entire lives with? Do we know who we are, let alone what we truly want in a relationship, before we even talk of marriage?
Are we sure we have the characteristics of embarking on, let alone maintaining a relationship or marriage? Is marriage something we are willing to work on, or simply some long-awaited fantasy? Some people spend most of their lives dreaming of a successful wedding day, forgetting to dream, let alone plan for a successful marriage.
While some of us may be from broken unions or homes, it does not have to be a generational curse or practice. We can learn from our parents' mistakes and decide on what we actually want our own relationships or marriages to be. While it is easier to fall for people that share similar traits with those we identified with in outgrowing years, that is not enough a reason to break such bondages and work effectively at making better choices and lives for ourselves. We do not have to pick clones of our parents whose charater traits are undesirable as partners, short or long-term.
We therefore need to begin by being completely honest with ourselves, and with trustworthy partners about who we are, what we want and what we are capable of bringing and contributing IF we truly desire a happy and successful relationships. Only then can we truly say our relationships and or marriages, despite the planning and work we continuously put in it are truly blissful.
We need to ask ourselves the relationship questions that will shape our relationships with the mates we desire to unite with. If we do not match or see a good future between us, we should not force it, but simply let go, so that each can find a better matched mate. Forget the foolish adage that "If you have not found Mr. or Ms. RIGHT that you should have fun with Mr. or Ms. WRONG." What you know was NOT good from the beginning will only bring you heartache and misery eventually. This also is totally different from giving a Mr. or Ms. MAYBE a chance and the opportunity to discover whether a relationship can truly work between you.
Some of the questions include unforeseeable scenarios that may or may not occur or rear their ugly heads in relationships or marriages. They may relate to the health or well-being or our mates; their financial dispositions which may change slightly or drastically due to loss of jobs or long-term unemployment or illnesses; interactions with their families and friends; their looks which may simply fade or be altered by unexpected incidences or accidents; outcomes of their bad judgments and/or unfaithfulness, in forms or unplanned or planned children outside your unions or marriages; middle-age crisis, changes in health due to aging, pregnancies, impotence, menopause, depression, mental illnesses or Alzheimer's; fading or increasing sexual desires; spiritual experiences that may change them and affect your beliefs; family obligations and responsibilities related to immediate or extended families, previous liaisons or broken marriages; demands of their jobs or communities, including the need to relocate or even go to war; changing needs or environments; long-hidden personal or family secrets or simply character traits you never knew your loved ones possessed. Some of these questions are available at this link http://naijapositive.myfastforum.org/forum133.php
People who have been long married will tell you they discover new information about their mates all the time, hopefully not that they are thieves, rapists or Axe-murderers. Though predictable at times, our mates may occasionally throw curve balls at the least expected times. Relationships are about growth and acceptance, loving our mates for who they are and can be, but never about arrogance, disrespect and/or abuse.
Only after having asked ourselves some of these questions and knowing what we are capable of, as well as whether we have the maturity and capabilities to sustain meaningful evolving relationships should we commit to be in one. If we simply want to have fun, or are too young and immature to embark in commitments then we should be honest enough to state so, and find willing mates with similar desires, rather than stringing along others, simply for our own selfish desires.
Don't make promises of relationships or even marriages you're unwilling or incapable of fulfilling to another human being simply to have sex with them, gain status , green cards or financial proceeds, etc. You may not think deeply about your actions, but each and every one of our actions have their spiritual rewards or consequences.
Only when we are equally yoked with people with whom we are a match, and then exercise patience, endurance, trust, loyalty, respect, humility, goodness, wisdom, understanding, long-suffering, kindness, meekness, discernment, maturity, faith and true love among other fruits of a good spirit and expressing character traits worthy of emulation; trusting that God (or a higher power) wants us to succeed, can we truly have a good chance of succeeding in our relationships.
Cxsm
6th June '08
© Cxsm 2008 All Rights Reserved
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May we be strengthened with the ability, willingness and capabilities to be good ambassadors of Nigeria contributing to its uplifting, rather than its detriment. - Cxsm |
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