NaijaPositive.com

CarolHill · Newbie Joined: 21 Jun 2008 Posts: 1 Location: San Diego

My Baby Girl Died April 29, 2008/ God is So Good to Us!

This is a very long email, so please sit down and read it when you have the time to do it justice. I'm taking the time to tell you what is in my heart. I hope that you will take the time to understand it.

I have so much to be grateful for, even during this time. What a lot of people will tend to do is look at the roof over their head, their clothes, their food, their family, their friends and say, "I'm still blessed even though such-and-such happened." And what I've realized during this time that even though those are blessings for which we ought to be grateful, they are still finite, perishable, burnable, destroyable things. They don't even begin to compare to God Himself, who is our real treasure. In Christ, He gives us the greatest gift of all and that is Himself. When we truly treasure Him first above all things, we could truly lose all things and count it a blessing to have lost if it helps us to have more of Him in our lives. I'm going to tell you what I have to be grateful for, and it is not going to be about perishable things. I see the struggle we all have when it comes to valuing the gift above the Giver. The gift is right in front of us, so tangible! But the Giver of all life and all gifts has so much greater value. I hope in this blog to direct everyone's eyes to Him.

Over the last couple years, Scott and I actually struggled to get pregnant, and it was an emotional roller coaster. I'd constantly hope and be disappointed. It was throughout infertility that I learned a lot about hope. When we hope for earthly things, there are two things that can happen. One, we are disappointed. We didn't get what we hoped for, or it wasn't as nice or as fun or as wonderful as what we had hoped. Or Two, we get what we hoped for, it was everything we dreamed it would be. But "who hopes for what he already has?" as it says in Romans 8. So once we have it, it's not long before the excitement wears off and it's time to start hoping for something else. It's this way of thinking that drives us to be materialistic. We constantly need new things to keep this kind of hope/joy cycle going. But it's a whole different experience to put our hope in Christ. When we hope to see Him glorified in our lives, when we value knowing Him above all things, we are NEVER disappointed. When we open up our lives and hearts to Him, His glory will always shine. The hope is constant and so is the joy.

As everyone around us was getting pregnant and having babies, I questioned God. Why was He blessing everyone else and not us? He had to change in my mind what I considered to be the real blessing. The real blessing is not earthly things, but just to know Him. I learned that every time I was disappointed or depressed it was because I was putting my hopes in earthly things. The truth was that I struggled to "rejoice in the Lord always and again I say, Rejoice!" Why did Paul write that twice in the book of Philippians? Because it's so important that our lives be Christ centered- Always! The only way to rejoice always is to have our hopes centered on Christ.

The truth was that if my hopes were truly buried in the Lord, then I would be able to joyfully accept whatever His plan may be for my life- kids or no kids, husband or no husband, car or no car - I would be able to joyfully accept because I would know that I would first of all have Him and second of all see His glory revealed in my life. There is nothing else better than that. Period. When I could accept that and live for that- I would experience freedom and joy.

Several months ago, God really convicted my heart about not spending the time in prayer that I ought to be. I would pray and talk to Him all throughout my day as things came up, but I really felt a heavy burden on my heart that I needed to have some focused quiet time devoted only to Him, everyday. After all, did I really value knowing Him above everything else? Was I willing to spend my time pursuing Him and building my relationship with Him, learning how to hear His voice and learning how to confess my heart to Him? And so He gently pressed me and called to me and tugged on my heart until I was consistent about daily quiet time. There were a lot of stressful things going on too, so I was also learning how to trust Him and how to see His hand working in situations that outwardly appeared to be all bad.

One of those situations was trying to buy a house. When I got pregnant, Scott and I knew we'd have to move because our apartment was unsuitable for a baby. We began looking for houses and over the months put in bids on several houses only to get outbid. We thought we'd be moving in January, but the months went by and we still didn't seem any closer to moving. Moving is stressful enough, but my pregnancy was ticking by and I thought I knew there would be a baby soon. "HOW," I asked, "am I going to move and set up a new home with a newborn infant??" My friend reminded me of God's sovereignty- He has power and vision and a plan and is totally in control. "Someday," she said, "you will see that it had to be this way. You'll be amazed and you will thank Him for making everything work."

Even though I doubted the part about being thankful, I did have to acknowledge that God is sovereign. I also had to believe that His plan would be better than mine. After all, my hope could not be in having a house. And if my hope was to see Him glorified in my life, wouldn't He know how best to accomplish that? Proverbs says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make Your paths straight." It was during this time that I was able to learn so much about His sovereignty to make decisions in my life, His goodness that those decisions would be for the best, and His love and gentleness in teaching me to understand these things.

But it wasn't some kind of instant thing either. At the same time I was expecting a baby and trying to find a new home, Scott was being selected to go to a 6 month training for a job promotion. He'd been trying for years, but it would mean that his paternity leave would be almost non existent, right about the time we'd finally move AND have the baby. I was freaking out! In fact, in my quiet time one day, I pretty much just threw a tantrum and raged at God. I said, "How is this a good plan? Why would you have him start a new job when he should be establishing himself as a father and support to our family? And how will he be able to devote himself to his training with a wife and new baby at home? This is NOT a good plan!" I went on and on actually about how it was not a good plan. I placed all kinds of demands on God to change it. "Change it or I will not be happy!!" That's really a ridiculous attitude to have if I claim to value Him above all things and if I say that I believe His plan is good for my life. It's also not very glorifying to Him if I can't Rejoice in Him unless He gives me what I want.

But it was only a couple days later that the news came through that Scott would not be in the training until the next session which started in July. How foolish and immature I felt! I really had to repent for my lack of trust. Of course God knew what was best for me and for our child and for Scott and even for Scott's job. If I had just continued to pray and to be patient and to trust, I would have seen the plan unfold with great joy. Instead I was wallowing in the depths of conviction, feeling very dirty for my wrongful attitude. I had to go through that before I could really rejoice in God's intervention and plan.

One of the things I realized is that I assumed that because God wanted me to grow and get strong that He would take me along the hardest possible route. I had some kind of idea that if I fully surrendered to Him, that my life would somehow be a constant trial and test. Even though He's so glorious and beautiful and so worth knowing and worshipping, I didn't firmly believe in His graciousness or His goodness. But in His love, He gave me that part of Himself too and did not hold back. The blessing wasn't so much my prayer about Scott's job being answered as it was knowing that God is a GOOD God who knows what's best for us. Having that understanding of Him more firmly rooted in my heart would help me to endure what would come later.

Now, I really doubted that I would ever be thankful about the housing situation. We were finally in escrow and the close of escrow kept getting delayed again and again. And meanwhile, I felt I was a ticking time bomb ready to go off at any minute. What would happen if I went into labor before we had moved or during the move?? I wanted the transition to be as smooth as possible, and it seemed to be headed towards as rough as possible. On the other hand, because of my pregnancy, a lot more people were saying they'd help us. My friend pointed out that "it might be the easiest move ever! You might not have to do anything!" It didn't work out quite that way because Karissa died previous to all that. Of course, I couldn't have known that would happen.

And as we were driving home from the hospital without our baby, I was laughing because I found myself wholeheartedly giving thanks to God. It was so hard going home with empty arms. If escrow had closed when it was originally supposed to, I would have set up the nursery. I would have had an empty crib too. That really served to reinforce my faith in God's sovereignty. He knew and He did make the path smooth! I know other people might cringe to hear it, but I was also giving thanks for the high gas prices. We drove our little pick-up truck with a faulty AC in the middle of a hot, HOT day because it got better gas mileage, and the hospital was a 40 minute drive. And when we left the hospital, I was so glad we hadn't driven the SUV which we had bought thinking there was a carseat in our near future. I felt so empty already- no baby inside me, no baby in my arms- but the two of us fill up the cab of our little truck, so we didn't have a big empty car. Because of high gas prices. Because God is good and cares for us.

Somehow or another God knew and allowed it to happen but also put a great many things in place to make the whole experience as smooth as it could possibly be. We spent a pretty decent amount of money on childbirth classes which were to help us give our baby her best possible start in life by not exposing her to powerful narcotics and by greatly reducing our chances of ending up in a c-section. When we got the news that she had passed away in-utero, we thought the money and the time was pretty much wasted. But it wasn't. Our training served us well in the hospital and getting us through the birthing process. The doctors and nurses were so impressed that we had taken the time to really be informed and how we dealt with the labor and delivery. Consequently, God was glorified in us in how we dealt with labor and delivery. We were different from most cases they see. Shouldn't we stand out as different if God is dwelling in our hearts and leading our lives?

There is another way in which God made it as easy as it could possibly be. It's still hard, but it's not nearly as hard as it would be without Him. One day I woke up and I felt so heavy and sad. I said,"I feel sad." And I felt the Holy Spirit ask, "Why?" and I said, "Because Karissa died." And He said, "No she didn't. She's right here with me." And I said, "But I wanted her. I wanted to raise her and hold her and care for her. I wanted to clothe her in frilly dresses" (I had a whole list of "I wanteds".) And He said, "Well I wanted her." And I knew of course that what He wants has precedence over what I want, but I wasn't very happy about it.

And I felt Him prod me, "Who do you think she is happier to be with?" And I had to say "You" because to suggest that she would be happier with me would be to say that heaven is not worth going to, that earth is better. "And who do you think will do a better job raising her?" Let's be honest: No human, no matter how loving or wonderful, is ever going to be a perfect parent. I could feel my own selfishness, but I wasn't ready to yield quite yet. I said, "But I miss her!" and He said, "That's okay, but just know that it is temporary." And I said, "It's a whole lifetime!" and He said, "It's still just temporary." Besides how do I know how long my life will be?

And so it was that I could see that it was okay for me to be sad and miss her, but I had to give up my list of "I wants" to Him. I repented of my selfishness and prayed that through this, I would love more as Christ loves. I would not be selfish and cling to my list of wants, but I would love with the view of what is best for someone else. Let's be honest again: Selfishness makes life a whole lot harder. When I gave my burden of selfishness over to the Lord, my heart was lifted. I was only just a little bit sad. I was no longer weighed down with sadness. The burden was so much easier! He convicted me and asked that I give it to Him not because He is demanding or greedy or selfish. He did it because He is the only Perfect Father, who loves me and cares for my heart.

It is important to note that heaven is not going to be wonderful because Karissa is there. Heaven is not about being reunited with family and friends who have gone before us. Heaven is about being in the presence of God unveiled. To look forward to heaven just to be with my daughter would be nothing less than idolatry. Almost everyone I know has someplace they really want to see or travel to before they die. Some people already were able to take that "dream vacation" and others haven't. Either way, most of us can understand what it is like to want to see a place. We may have seen pictures or heard stories or experiences. We are convinced that it is a place worth going to, a place worth seeing, a place worth saving for. There is no place that is more worth going to than heaven. There is no person more worth knowing than Christ. I have a vague picture of what it will be like. It's kind of blurry and a little unclear. As I know God better and read His Word, I see Him better and I have a clearer picture. But this blurry picture I have is already so unendingly beautiful, it literally brings tears to my eyes to speak of it. It's so amazingly beautiful, I'd rather look at this picture than go anywhere on earth.

Going back to that daily quiet time, if God had not urged me and pushed me to make that commitment to Him, I don't think I would have been able to see His hand so clearly working in my life. He had already prepared me so much in all the experiences to be ready to step out in faith and joy when she died. I was able to accept with joy His plan for us. I could not see how the delays in escrow could ever be a good thing. I just couldn't. It was all a big hassle and bad timing and awful in my eyes. But there were events to happen that I couldn't even begin to imagine that would change the whole story, that would make the delays a Good thing. And it was just like that with Karissa's death. People might ask me, "How can that be a good thing? How can you thank God for that??" And that is EXACTLY how I felt about the escrow. And yet, it was a good thing and I did thank God for it! Right now, I can't exactly see how my baby'sdeath is a good thing, but I can thank God knowing that it will be.

I say "I can't exactly" because the vision is incomplete. But there have already been some good things to come out of it. God has really held me so close during this time and shown me so much. He is a good, Good, GOOD God. He is so gracious to pour Himself out on me and to hold nothing back as I reach for Him. He doesn't love like we do. We so rarely give our whole hearts, totally and completely. We always reserve parts for ourselves and our own interests. God is not like that. He gives us His whole self. At first I wanted the pain to just go away, and I was impatient for the healing to begin (and end). But when I realized that God feels this way, I thought, "Well, if God feels this way, then maybe I should just let myself feel the pain to its fullest extent." It would still only be a fraction of what God feels for us when people die apart from Christ. The more I allowed myself to feel and the more I didn't shy away from the pain, the more intimately I could know this aspect of God's heart. He has really, really taught me to delight in knowing Him if I can find joy in pain because it means knowing Him more!

Sometimes joy isn't all smiles and laughter, happiness and delight. Sometimes joy is more like a strong and abiding thankfulness flowing out of the deepest parts of the heart. In Philippians, Paul writes, "Indeed I count all things loss that I might gain Christ and be found in Him." He even says that he counts all things as "rubbish" in comparison with the "surpassing value of the knowledge of Christ." Would I dare say that owning a home is rubbish compared to knowing Christ? Yes, I would say that. And would I go so far as to say that family is not any better than garbage if it prevents us from knowing more of Christ? Yes, I would say that too. And would I forsake all earthly things for more of Him? I guess I have to say that I would and I do.

And one of the wonderful things about the Giver of all good gifts is that He doesn't demand this of us. He is able to use earthly things to help us to know Him. We are able to have the gift and the Giver. We can know His love more in a loving family environment. We can better understand the unity of God the Trinity by experiencing family unity. I am making my house a home. I am preparing the rooms in the house to accommodate our friends and family and future children. However, I can only do as much as I can imagine. The Bible tells us that "no eye has seen, no ear has heard what God has planned for those who love Him" and that He is preparing a place for us. He's giving us something in Christ that we cannot imagine! The house only has value insofar as we use it for His glory and allow ourselves to know Him through it.

These are not the only good things that have begun to surface in the aftermath of Karissa's death. That's just the part of me knowing God better. The other part is God gaining glory and praise. There are so many people around us, watching us, seeing how we go through this. There are so many people who are being so encouraged to know God themselves. They look at my relationship with Him and my love and my passion (which is only just a reflection back to Him of what He showers on me), and they say, "I want to know that too." There are people praising God with us that God is so good to us. We stand together in amazement at all the wonderful things He is doing in our lives- I've hardly begun to touch on some of the wonderful things that have happened in the last month or two. People are being encouraged to deepen their commitment to Him.

There is only one thing that I know of that will truly motivate people to make lasting sacrifices in seeking after God, and that is, to have a deep, heartfelt conviction that He is greater and He is worthy. And the only thing that will keep us walking in that commitment is to actually see Him unfolding before us, for the "veil to be taken away." Standing on the most beautiful mountaintop with the most beautiful view with the most beautiful music and the most beautiful smell of the loveliest wildflowers is not worth comparing to the wonders of standing in the presence of God.

Because of this glorious truth, I have prayed for my family and friends who do not know God, that they would know Him. I'll be honest: I have prayed that God would do "whatever it takes" to bring my loved ones to Him in humility and repentance. That He would do "whatever it takes" to bring them to their knees before Him. "Whatever it takes" means whatever pain, whatever loss, whatever blessing, whatever hardship, etc. I do not view anything as "bad" that leads a person's heart to Christ. It's worth every drop of earthly suffering to know Him for eternity. Paul writes in Romans, "I consider that our present suffering is not worth comparing with our future glory."

The suffering of today is qualitatively and quantitatively infinitely less than the glory and delight we will have in Him, if we have Christ. Inevitably, everyone will go through some human suffering while on earth. What is a little more suffering if it means infinite joy for all eternity? Why would I not pray for my loved ones to have infinite joy for all eternity at whatever the finite and temporary cost? If there was a magic money tree that could endlessly grow money, however much you wanted, for however long you wanted it, how much would you pay for it? Jesus said that the kingdom of heaven is like a man who finds a great treasure in a field, goes out and sells EVERYTHING he has to buy that field.

Knowing God through Christ Jesus is worth losing everything we have. This is the truth that would lead me to pray "whatever it takes." Only, I always had it in my mind that the "whatever it takes" would happen in the lives of my loved ones. I never considered that it might happen in MY life. I never considered that I might be praying for suffering and hardship to happen in MY life. But I stand firm in this prayer, and I will not cease in praying it. If even one of my friends come to Christ by watching me go through this experience, it's worth every tear I've shed. "My present suffering is not worth comparing" to eternal joy in God. If I consider that God is worth the suffering in someone else's life, then He must also be worth it in my life, even if it is to someone else's gain. In this whole testimony, I have spoken of God revealing Himself to me and giving Himself to me and how that is a treasure that by far outweighs the hurt of my loss. I will not negate that now by saying that someone else has to know Christ to make my tears worth something. In the empty spot left by Karissa's early departure, God has placed Himself. That's all I need. "I know how to be abased, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." And I can do it with joy because of the surpassing value of the knowledge of Christ.

If you want to know more about this, ask me! I'd love to talk to you about it. As much as I have, I'll give. And if I don't have the answers, I'll try and find them. If you read what I have written and say, "I want that," please let me know. If you are struggling with pain or loss or selfishness or trust or anything else, I'll be more than happy to pray for you and offer you any help or encouragement that I can. I want you to know Who I know so that you can have what I have. Peace like a river, joy like a fountain, love like a blanket, faith like a lantern. God like no other.

Much Love,
Carol