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admin · Site Admin Joined: 25 May 2007 Posts: 5404

Dates - Who Should pay? // Marriage - Who should Propose?

I'm from the old school and believe men should treat women, but experience and life changing responsibilities (especially if you're Nigerian with responsibilities back home), have evolved to unspoken understandings that 'whoever does the asking picks up the tab', but the man also should have the option of reserving his right to feel free to reject the gesture by the woman, and say "Not to worry dear, I'll pick up the tab".

It has nothing to do with feeling emasculated or disrespected, it only shows consideration, and when a woman initiates an outing, it shows that she cares enough to reciprocate, and a confident man realizes this and 'can' decide to let her have her way or show appreciation by paying IF he chooses to.

The delight is in 'the gesture', in 'her willingness to initiate' and not just expect him to 'always do the asking' or 'automatically pay the tab' on every date.

I'm assuming we're talking of 2 respectful, caring and fair adults here, (not users or cheap dates (of either gender). Women have different ways of reciprocating and making men feel assured and appreciated, but the willingness to sometimes initiate or share can be an attractive quality if the women is not controlling, overpowering or trying to prove her earning prowess (if she happens to be the higher earner).

If a man is a cheap date or the woman is condescending because she earns more, then that is a totally different issue. Also, a man shouldn't automatically assume that because he picks up the tab a significant no. or all the time, the woman should automatically be his whore. Self-depreciating women who are quick to say "buy me a drink" sometimes bring this confusion and disrespect on other women, because their exchange of a free meal or drink for a booty call, misleads some men into thinking they can automatically get one from self-respecting women, just because they've picked up their tabs.

One the issue of who makes a marriage proposal, most men prefer to do the asking and can misinterpret the woman's asking as an act of desperation, but it depends on the relationship that has developed and matured between the couple. If they're comfortable enough a woman can even simply suggest unaggressively "Hi hon, don't you think it's about time we get hitched" and if the man feels secure enough and ready, he may find it sexy and choose to follow through, and eventually do the knee-bending traditional thing, or officially propose (so to say).

As Nigerians we're used to traditional roles, and even though a woman may have initiated the proposal, the man usually prefers to do the 'actual proposing', with the follow-through on asking the woman's family for her hand in marriage.

A woman shouldn't feel the pressure to push a man though, 'cos if he feels he's been pressurized he may feel inadequate or controlled and begin re-evaluting the relationship which can end up positively (in marriage as anticipated) or negatively if he doesn't feel ready (as in dwelling on his insecurities or bringing out his hidden bag of tricks and choosing to exercise his dating options).

Usually, if a man has been dating a woman of marriageable age for 'quite long' and hasn't proposed, he's probably enjoying milking the cow and is usually in no hurry to change his disposition.

If he knows he's interested in making her his life partner, he'll be mature enough to realize that a woman has time limits on her child bearing capabilities and would want to start a family soon enough (not necessarily right after marriage, it's wiser to wait and know your spouse just in case....), but if this is insignificant to him (unless they've decided to wait or opt out) then he's in a comfort zone and the woman needs to make the decision as to whether to invest her life in a 'wait for him to ask game' or move along and exercise her options.

Cxsm
28th Jan. '04

© Cxsm 2004 All Rights Reserved

admin · Site Admin Joined: 25 May 2007 Posts: 5404

Very interesting perspectives, Cxsm! It was quite a read. You should be publishing this stuff in a column. Have you given that some thought?

Ngozi

admin · Site Admin Joined: 25 May 2007 Posts: 5404

Re: Dates - Who Should Pay?

I agree, i'm american and my family is from the south, so i was raised men should treat women on the first date. so that is what i expect the man to pay. but once we have established a friendship or understanding we can treat each other, maybe he pays for dinner, next time i cook dinner for him, or take him for icecream . You build a partnership.

But my experience is that when women initiate paying for men in the beginning of a relationship, the male takes it for granted and tends to abuse the situation. its like your mother spoiling you. so its best to have the man do the paying in the beginning then later join in adding little treats!

Deja
[Nigeria Hookup]
5/26/04